The Last African
Generation
(An
End To An Era?)
By Oliver Mbamara
Recently while attending an African event, I was amongst a number of African men having general conversation when the topic delved into the future of Africans in Diaspora. It was supposed to be a gathering of casual conversation but one of the men amongst us was pretty serious about what he had to say. He was lamenting the fact that her daughter is of marriageable age. Ordinarily, that should be a thing of joy for a father but this gentleman appeared terrified by the prospect. His concern was that
his daughter seemed to be more interested in non-African men than African men.
The first reaction would be - what's the big deal? After all, many
inter-cultural marriages do work as long as the spouses understand and
tolerate each other. This gentleman's fear was that if her daughter marries a non-African, his lineage would probably end, as his daughter would probably forget about him and her African family. He was concerned that
from what he has observed from other people's cases, such non-African men never had the same
closeness and regard to the African woman's family whether abroad or back in Africa, as would an African husband.
Sensitive But Universal
Now, this is a sensitive topic as it touches on the conflicts of culture and such conflicts could give rise to people being misconceived or even feeling offended due to varying perceptions and the natural tendency of man to defend his own and prefer his own over another’s. The typical non-African may feel offended that the African father does not encourage a marriage between his African-parented daughter and a typical non-African male. The fact that the typical African father prefers a typical African to a non-African (as the best spouse for his child) could be seen as discriminatory by some observers. Yet, the same preferences exist in other tribes or races when it comes to marriage and relationships. It is of forgone conclusion that many non-African parents would prefer their children to be married to their own kind instead of first generation African men. It is natural for parents to be concerned when their children want to marry someone from another tribe. In other words, it is immaterial whether the other tribe is black, white, Asian, Indian, or mixed. Most parents feel comfortable having their children married to one of their own – a person they would easily relate to without the challenges and barriers of cultural differences.
The issue of marriage as a factor in the watering-down of races and culture has existed from time immemorial. Yet, today, it is a matter of universal concern in a world where technology, lifestyle, survival, and easy migration have created a situation where all major cities and countries around the world are habited by mixed races. It is important to point out this universal application so we can objectively construe the substance of this piece without emotional biasness that may be instigated by the natural tendency to defend one’s tribe or culture. As the Ibos of southeastern Nigeria say: “Everyone
believes that his/her mother’s soup is the best.” This piece simply takes a look at this universal issue with emphasis on Africans in Diaspora.
An Emerging Trend
Back to our concerned African gentleman referred above; it is safe to say that many African parents are faced with the same concerns, but how many will publicly say it remains another matter. Nevertheless, such concerns have become common amongst African families in Diaspora especially as children of many of these first-generation African parents who migrated abroad 15, 20, or 25 years ago are now ripe for marriage. The emerging trend is that many of these grown children either get married to non-Africans, and reduce their ties and interaction with their African parents, siblings, and extended Africa families or they are in a dilemma as to who to marry. In some cases, these periods of dilemma could last longer and things could happen during these periods, which could eventually put such grown children at the risk of becoming single parents. Obviously, single parentage is still not a comfortable concept in many African societies. It is still seen as a socio-cultural structure and concept that is purely un-African and still generally unacceptable by many Africans and African cultures today regardless of how some Africans pretend about it. This trend is now of concern as the increasing rate is suddenly becoming a threat to the African family structure and the lineage of Africans in Diaspora.
Is There A Parental Role in It All
Could it be that many of these parents and guardians of African children contributed to the situation knowingly or unknowingly? Could African parents have contributed to this by freely allowing their children to imbibe western cultures while ignoring their African roots and cultures? Could African parents be responsible for this trend when they freely allow their children to attend western programs like summer camps, western picnics, and amusement parks, but will not give the children the opportunities of interacting with their fellow Africans at African cultural events and programs like African dance groups, cultural events, and parties?
Could African parents be responsible for this trend when they encourage their children to have western accents and speak only English rather than teach them to speak their African vernacular languages even at home? Could African parents be responsible for this trend when they will allow their children to go on vacation to Disneyland and other western resorts, but will not consider sending the children home (to Africa) to celebrate African festivities like African new-yam festivals, fishing festivals, traditional carnivals, dance festivals, and cultural contests? Could African parents be responsible for this trend when they insist that their children must live through their formative years and academic education in the West rather than giving their children the chance of going through the typical school systems in African even if for a part of their academic education like primary or secondary school education?
Granted, it is normal for parents to feel some concern for the health and safety of their children in a society faced with challenges of providing adequate healthcare and educational facilities and system. Yet, such parents have to remember that they went through the same system that they now criticize so badly, and that most of the intelligence and tenets they have applied in their survival in the West, have been nurtured in the same African society they now condemn because they have been exposed to foreign societies and tenets. One cannot help but ponder at the argument of some parents that the typical African society is dangerous and that the child might fall ill and die, or that the education system is not as standard as the ones in the west. But there are millions of children in Africa who are still well and alive. There are many schools in Africa that still produce students that are smarter than those in the so called better schools in western countries.
Waiting for the child to almost become an adult before sending the child home to Africa may not do it. Once a child has gone through the formative years, it becomes an uphill task to make the child perceive life and living like a person raised in Africa. As our people say: “A right handed person does not learn to become left-handed at old age.” Taking the child along on Christmas or Easter vacation could help but only to a certain limit, one must say. Let us remember that a vacation is only a time of relaxation devoid of regular work activities. The child needs to psychologically perceive the socio-environment as one he has come to live with so the child could relax, fit in, survive in, and be imbibed with the culture.
Living With One’s Choices
Bear in mind that this is not about which culture is better or which is not.
Interracial or intercultural marriages do work for many people. The issue here is about the expectations of the concerned parents or guardians regarding their children's marriages.
This piece will not condemn African parents who prefer to raise their children completely abroad (in Diaspora)
if they do not believe in the typical African society to provide their children with good health care and education system. However this piece wishes to bring it to the attention of such parents that they have the option to choose and make the decision that will impact on the kind of person their children would become in the future. Raise the child entirely under western society and ideologies and expect western behavior and lifestyles from the child. Raise the child in (or partly in) an African society and expect African behavior and lifestyle (or partly) from the child. It is very simple. Such parents ought not be upset when their children become adults and make decisions or exhibit lifestyles, which the parents then find to be un-African or un-Western. One cannot eat his cake and have it. It’s all about living with one’s choices and the difference lies in how one deals with the present moment when faced with the decision to make such choices.
That is my understanding, and I am still learning.
Who’s Hand in Marriage?
O brethren
To a strange land come
And like strangers lived
Through cultures strange
Yet many times tough
O brethren
With children to rear
Caught in the middle
Of the culture faced
Not the one they knew
O brethren
Whose door marriage knocks
For the kids they’ve raised
And reckon, they must
But whose hand is best?
©Oliver O. Mbamara, June, 2007
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR:Oliver O.
Mbamara, Esq., is a filmmaker, writer, poet, and playwright. He is also a
judge with New York State, OAH. For
more on Oliver Mbamara, please visit www.OliverMbamara.com
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